Lonely Caterpillar
 

‘We are warriors, that’s what we’ve become’

‘I wont let them break me down to dust’

I am a product of all my experiences. They have shaped me and moulded me. They have never controlled me or defined me.

For many years in my life I believed I was ‘never enough’. In recent years this thought has reoccurred in my darkest times. When my friend lost her battle to suicide, when my husband battled depression, when both parents had difficult periods with their mental health.

‘When the sharpest words try to cut me down…’

There have been many times in my life were there has been a small voice quietly whispering in my ear, you are not enough, you will never be and have never been enough.

There is always a louder voice, coming from my heart shouting, you are more than enough. You have all you need to get through this, it is all already within you.

I am resilient. That is an actual psychological term. It is not a term that belittles or is negative upon someone else’s reaction to life or journey. It is an actual way in which some people deal with life experiences. I have always been resilient.  Some folk have seen that as me being detached or having not dealt with my past. I always struggled with these attitudes more than I struggled with any stuff I had been through.

One of the most fulfilling moments I have had in recent years was discovering that a resilient attitude is perfectly healthy. It doesn’t mean that I am not coping and it doesn’t mean that I am being disparaging of other peoples journey it is pure and simply how I deal with my own personal experience.

So now I bite the bullet…

‘I am brave, I am bruised, this is who I’m meant to be’

This isn’t something I’ve spoken/written publicly about. Apart from a few fleeting comments when I’m arguing for the rights of prisoners occasionally on Facebook. Today felt appropriate…I’m not 100%sure why.

From the age of 4 to 7, I was abused. I’m not going to go into great details about that. Sure its part of me. I needed medical treatment until I was 14/15 (let me tell you that is not something you want to go through as a teenager). It played a part in a good chunk of my life. I have never once struggled with this. It was the medical issue that prompted the abuse to be discovered and stopped. I didn’t at that time understand I needed to speak out. When I was old enough to piece it together, I never felt angry or hard done by. I never feel traumatised or victimised or broken. Occasionally I feel very uncomfortable around some people or in a certain situations. It is not something major just a minor feeling of being unsafe, which sometimes is just awareness of a not ideal situation and isn’t a bad thing to be aware of.

You see long before abuse began I knew who I was. I knew that despite what was going on around me, I was loved and cared for and safe. I still know that to this day. Bad stuff happens. Life can seriously suck at times but I will always be me. No one can steal that from me, some might try, but no one will succeed.

‘I know I deserve your love, There’s nothing I’m not worthy of’

I am aware of how blessed I’ve been with a peace and a strength that’s covered me since I was a tiny child.

The best to come of this is that almost from nowhere I discovered that I had compassion for people who have been in my situation and where people find it very easy to reach out to the victim in these situations I have known for years that my purpose was to reach the perpetrators. I wont lie, I didn’t walk willingly into this. My degree has been changed three times, I have tried many avenues and no matter what path I take, all roads have lead to this same conclusion. You see very few folk find themselves in prison because they where born with a desire to cause harm. Many have been hurt in various ways themselves. The best way to heal hurt and anger and stop these cycles is by showing compassion and love and I decided very early in my life to let my heart be filled with love over hate or anger.

See the reason I share this story, today, on international Women’s day. Is because women have spent centuries overcoming hardship. We have been put upon and disregarded and abused and mistreated. But all women ever did was fought back with love. We are awesome caring, strong, resilient, courageous wonderful people.

Here’s the thing, the reason I can speak about this so easily is because I am now surrounded by women who I love. Women who love me. Women who hold me up when I’m struggling to do life, women who I have the honour of helping hold up when they struggle. See when we are comfortable in our own skin, when we are ok with who we are, we know are scars make is more beautiful and less broken… then we can be stronger people. For ourselves and for others.

So THIS IS ME:

I am Nikita. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a carer, an arthritis warrior, a Christian, a student, a sister, a daughter in law, a friend, a home maker, a family worker, a kids leader.

I am NOT, a victim. I am NOT broken, I am NOT worthless.

I CAN make a difference.

‘Look out cause here I come, and I’m marching on to the beat I drum, I’m not scared to be seen, I make no apologies, THIS IS ME’