Lonely Caterpillar
 

To infinity and Beyond…

Warning this one probably isn’t for the squeamish.

Today I had my Knees injected with cortisone, fun huh? As I’ve mentioned before I was diagnosed with arthritis at 21. Its an ongoing battle with highs and lows and requires conscious constant decisions not to give in to the often overwhelming pain. I actually really dislike talking about arthritis openly like this I find it very hard to find the balance between ‘poor me’ and helpful honest information. Today when waiting for my injections I have to admit I did the token Facebook post, not looking for sympathy but honesty when I’m nervous its good to have something to distract my thoughts and honestly when I post on Facebook or tell a friend I’m going to get my knees/shoulder / hip injected iv got a bit of accountability because quite frankly about 90% of me wanted to run (more like walk kinda wonky and slightly faster than a snail) from that health centre and hide somewhere where my (amazing) nurse and her massive needle couldn’t find me.

I have had a fair bit of experience with cortisone, I know lots have had it far more than me and its not really a big deal but I find when I face a new experience I get very nervous. In my very first appointment with my rheumatologist when I got told I had arthritis I had two injections into my shoulder and one into my hip, I remember the horror on my own face when the doctor told me he was about to put a needle into my shoulder and the poor nurse who had to hold my hand (I had much better grip back then so her poor hand suffered). Now I have had so many shoulder injections I actually look forward to them because the feeling doesn’t bother me and the relief is so worth it. So today when faced with having my knees done yea I was nervous about the needle and how it would go in, how long it would take, what it would feel like, and how it would work as my knees are crazy full of fluid. But even more than that I was nervous for a new normal. With each step of this journey there seems to be new, pretty nasty normal, as much as I don’t accept this is the only option and that life will always be this way, there is a feeling of , here we go again another thing to just deal with.

I know that sounds miserable but its not really, see I know this isn’t forever, forever is a really long time and whether my healing is this side of heaven or the other I don’t know but I know this is only tiny little blip in a really grand plan.

When I put my son to bed at night he says, ‘I love you infinity’ he says it because he likes to be able to use a word that cant be beaten, but then when I say I love you infinity and beyond he cant really argue cause we all know any Disney quote must be fact! Infinity is a number that’s hard, kinda impossible to imagine, like time and space its hard to comprehend it just ceasing to exist. Sometimes I cant imagine what it would be to wake up without pain, to be able to run and jump without the feeling my joints have been crushed, more and more I cant imagine how I get through 3months without asking for one of those needles that ache but are worth it. Its easy to get overwhelmed and look for the negative, to think that something is too big to see or imagine but then its also awesome to imagine something so huge. I love that my son needs such an incomprehensible word to explain how much he loves me and I love that my love for him and Megan is that huge too. Yea I am in pain now but how unbelievable will it be when I’m not? When medical science comes up with a long term cure, when prayer heals me or in whatever form that may come its unimaginable but that’s what makes it amazing!

In the meantime there are lessons to be learned, there is character building and strength to be gained. Before I had Megan I was terrified of needles. Today I watched three go into each knee and looked a a needle just sticking out of the side of my leg while the nurse mixed the next batch and I laughed (a nervous, I’m gonna boke laugh).

Today when I text my husband after my appointment I said it was gross and hilarious, I actually laugh more with my nurses during infusion and clinic than I laugh anywhere else. Yea sometimes its a nervous laugh but I have to choose joy, I have to think how blessed I am, for the amazing health care, the fun, kind and amazingly clever and caring staff and that Its ‘just’ arthritis, there’s not cure but there is treatment.

As much as the journey isn’t what I would have chosen its the one i’ve got and I make the most of. When I have a needle in my arm or my knee or shoulder. I think, To infinity and Beyond, my little people love me to infinity and beyond.