Rainy days and Mondays…

Arthritis / Autism / General

Its been a quiet few weeks on here and I apologise for that.

At home its been a crazy few weeks, a new tattoo, a hospital stay, what feels like a million meltdowns and Easter holidays have all rushed upon us in one big blast.

Three weeks ago I was feeling pretty rubbish and my hubby insisted that I go to the doctor, who ended up sending me to hospital. My treatment in hospital was excellent, the nurses who where rushed of their feet where kind and helpful and I escaped with the help of my lovely friend Emma who dug a tunnel under the ward, (ok I was discharged) after two nights and on the condition of complete bed rest, which wasn’t an issue because I was so tired.

The thing is, my hospital stay wasn’t super serious, it would have been had it not been treated but it was treated so its all good. What got me and has set me back was the reality of my condition. This is the first time (apart from one nasty chest infection, which almost put me in hospital) in 7 years that my medication has seriously impacted my health. My infection wouldn’t have had the same impact on Ben or even Megan or Elijah. I simply couldn’t fight it and that scared me. I had a real fear what if I get a chest infection again, what if the kids pick up a bug and I catch it and cant fight it? what if this is how its going to be from now on and I’m not even 30 yet.

Sometimes Fear is valid and it can be justified, I think iv cruised through 7 years with a ‘oh well this is how it is’ attitude, iv been in pain and faced the medication and physical challenges that come with arthritis but I have never actually dealt with the reality that I am living with this, that if I don’t take care of myself and know my limitations I limit myself more than the condition ever could. I also know that I cant let the fear of the condition or its side effects steal away my joy in life anymore than I let the pain or lack of mobility steal from me. Like with any challenge in life there’s a lesson in this, it was forced me to face my limits but also look at whats truly important, instead of running around like crazy, to stop, to read, to pray and to remember what my focus should be, to know where my heart truly is.

In the midst of the craziness and the inability to think straight I managed to send off an assignment to Univerity. When I saw the result posted back to me I panicked slightly I had no idea how crazy that assignment might be or what sort of tired jibberish id have written. I have really struggled with Uni work the past month or so, I’ve questioned why I am doing it, I’ve felt it was holding me back from practically getting on with things but then my mark came back a good one and then today I started to study and the love of the subject came flooding back. Then I received the prison fellowship newsletter through the door and I had forgotten that I had written a small piece for them on what volunteering with them involves for me and as I read those words I remembered why I am doing this. I remembered my focus and I know that I am doing this for a reason. And now when I look at the past few weeks and I see clearly, I can see all the pieces falling into place. The conversations I’ve had, the people I have got the chance to speak to, the friends I have around me to moan to and even the preach in church on Sunday all just bring everything together.

Sometimes I get down, sometimes the rainy days seem to never end (especially in northern Ireland) I can spend so much time running round filling buckets with water and trying to stop the roof from leaking that I forget to stop and realise that the sun has come out, the rain has stopped and the roof is fixed. I have been terrible and stopping and taking stock and it took being literally taken off my feet to make me do it. I love everything I do, there is no part of my life that I feel the need to let go of. I just need to remember to keep focus on why each piece is part of my puzzle.



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