I’m Not That Girl.. Part 2

Arthritis / General / Turning30

meThis past year I have done a lot of blogging about who I am and who I am not.

I have explained how I am so much more comfortable in my own skin and that I am getting better at not comparing myself with others.

I have to say this last month has shaken me to my core. I have struggled with my identity, where I fit, who I fit with and where I want to be or go.

What I realised was that I had began to work out who I am but only in the context of the place in my life I was in. So I had built confidence I’m myself but that only applied while things where good. I had based a lot of the foundation of who I am on other people and things and therefore once they where removed I kind of crumbled. My happiness in who I was, was still there but I kind of realised that I still am not confident in how others see me. If I am not a leader will people still want to talk to me? If I don’t finish my degree this year will people still want or respect my opinion. If my health fails will people want to put up with the extra time and effort it takes to go somewhere with me?

So I guess its not the who I am that has wobbled but maybe the who others are in relation to who I am.

I have never been the type of person to have hundreds of friends, I have always had a fairly small circle and in the past year I have deliberately made that circle even smaller. Not in an, ‘I’m so awesome everyone wants to be my friends’ type way. But in an ‘I’m going through a lot and I need to be around people who get this’ type way.

Recently I lost one of those friends who was part of that little circle, when the circle is small, the pain is bigger. It hurt to loose that person, it still hurts, its gonna be painful for a long time. It made me question if its worth it? Should there be a circle at all, is the pain of letting someone go something I ever want to face again. But of course the laughter and the memories are more than worth it and I wouldn’t change a single second, I just wish there had been a few more seconds to share.

From I was around 12 I have been aware of my parents struggling with mental health issues, both have battled with various forms of depression over the years. I have also been open with Bens battle and I have other family and friends who have also had to face the struggle of each day living with these conditions. With the whirlwind life recently, I asked my self and I actually also asked another friend, In life with so many close to me struggling, with so much going on, is this me? Am I the common factor in all of this, can I even be the one causing it?I have always had a niggling little thought, telling me that I’m not good enough, I am not enough to keep them here, not enough to hold them, to help them. Now I know that none of this is true. I have not caused other people pain. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I know I am where I am for a reason and that I will do something good with my life.

But in the middle of hurt and grief and confusion its really hard to hold on to that. Its ok to question these things and I reached out to a friend when this was in my head so that it wouldn’t snowball. I’m glad that my circle has people who get this and know how to help.

So here we are in September 16, I know that I am still not that girl. I am still happy to not be that girl and if anyone is looking for that girl she wont be found here. I still wont change myself to fit any pretty picture and I am still glad to share my story and be real. Ok so I am a little insecure and my 2016/17 isn’t looking like the picture I had in my head. I am however still excited for whatever lies ahead.

This Girl has picked herself up and is ready for the next adventure.




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  • Joy robb

    Hello..so loved reading ur very moving story..life can be so hard..but never change who you are…because you are you…life can throw so many things at us and mental health is one of the crueless things to suffer from…make memories every day.with lovex

    09/20/16 – 23:06

  • Nikita

    Thanks Joy, such encouraging words x

    09/20/16 – 10:27