Lonely Caterpillar
 

Falling with style…

After all my bravado on Monday and my infinity and beyond post, I have had a RUBBISH week. From Tuesday morning everything went wrong, from a massive aspie meltdown from Elijah which resulted in Elijah, Megan and I all in tears on the school run to my knee reacting to my injection its just a week I’m glad to see the back of.

Its funny that no matter how much I plan or pre warn Elijah that things will be different some days, he simply doesn’t cope well with transition and change, its probably his biggest asd challenge and while I’m glad that he managed so well in so many other areas of life, it still takes me by surprise when something that should be so simple and is well planned just falls apart spectacularly.

In my pain fuelled emotional state, Tuesday morning seemed more traumatic that it actually was, looking back I can see that if I hadn’t panicked so much about the kids being slightly late for school I would have simply waited for Elijah’s storm to pass and made our way to school once he had got past what ever issue was stressing him out, I wouldn’t have choose the battle of telling him he couldn’t bring a teddy to school and I maybe would have just let my dad lift him and take him to school despite his protests. In hindsight everything is more simple and solutions are clear but in reality when your son is in distress and you see the only way of calming it is to drive on your extremely painful leg with tears streaming down your face for him, for you and for your daughter who cant stand the thought of being late, you just get on and do it.

This completely isn’t a look at me post, its a look I messed up, most days i feel  i’m pretty rubbish at this special needs mum stuff and oh and I totally over react all the time!! Sometimes I feel so overwhelmed that I am the only person who can understand my little super hero, nobody else gets his pain his struggle his anxiety. In the aftermath of Tuesday morning (when Elijah and megan went into to school and where instantly fine) I phoned Ben in tears, crying that i’ll never be able to have a job because nobody else can ever do a school run, ill never go on a holiday without the kids cause they cant cope without me and i’ll have to cancel all plans I have for the rest of the year because I need to keep Elijah in a nice safe bubble and nobody else is able to do that.

In reality there is a fragment of truth that my son knows how to play me, that although this was complete meltdown and something that couldn’t be prevented, the events of the morning in the lead up where not. In reality, when I am not there he gets on with the different routine and when he melt down his grandparents, his dad and even his sister are able to deal with those situations equally as well as I can. The only difference is I don’t want him to be without me when he’s struggling. Elijah had forgotten about the mornings events before break time and me almost a week on am going over them in my head. Its just regular mummy guilt, or mummy pressure, the crazy idea that so many of us put in our heads that if everyday isn’t perfect then we feel like instantly we are failures as parents (maybe that’s just me).

Once I had got over the fact that my children would not be permanently scarred from life from being 15mins late for school, I got back to resting my rubbish knee, By Thursday the swelling in my leg had got a bit extreme so I made a call to my rheumatology nurse who fitted me in to see the consultant on Friday morning, with the plan to drain the fluid from my knee.

When I got to the hospital after ruling out infection which was a bit of a worry (the relief on the dr and nurses face made me realise just how worried they where), I had an ultra sound on my knee , which was pretty gross, Turns out my knee has had a reaction to the cortisone, one of the little teeny tiny cristals decided to react under my knee cap and create a little puddle of fluid which has made my knee very angry and enflamed. The fluid idealy would be drained but due to the raction the doctor has decided to hold off on another needle in my knee for the time being and I am on a course of steroids for a few weeks and praying the fluid will disperse without any assistance otherwise it will be another needle at the end of the month.

This isn’t a super serious situation but it has put me back on crutches full time, the swelling has already reduced but the pain is unreal and I currently cant even imagine being able to walk without an aid at the moment which has made me so sad all weekend. Not only sad but afraid, I had relying on others, I hate not being able to do all the things I want to and I hate having to say no to things. Enforced rest this weekend has been driving me crazy, I slept till 11am yesterday I cant remember the last time I slept that long (bare in mind Elijah hasn’t slept through in 6 years) I am used to broken sleep, getting up and getting things done not just giving in to the tiredness and pain. Clearly this was something my body needed.

This weekend and especially today I have had a real lesson that, having a tough week doesn’t make me a failure, being in pain doesn’t write me off for everything, a set back doesn’t mean its the end. Sometimes I need to know when to step back, to say no and just to rest and know my own body.

I choose to believe this week is a blip, a learning curve in a journeys that are still new and ever changing, this is real life, nobody has it all together all the time, on Monday I might have been flying but by Tuesday I realised I was falling with style.

‘Our greatest glory is not in never falling but in rising every time we fall’