Lonely Caterpillar
 

Arthritis & me – The truth

This week is National Arthritis week, I was a little hesitant to write this post (which is why we are half way through the week) as it does seem that since social media has taken over the world , every day is a something awareness day, from the serious to the seriously daft.

The thing is my arthritis has been something that’s been playing on my mind a lot this month. I changed medication in August and as with and medication change it takes a bit of getting used to. I have to withdraw from my previous medication, be completely medication free and then begin a new one and wait on average three months before that can even begin to work. This one has been particularly tricky due to the first three infusions having to be 2weeks apart instead of the usual one month and also they where taking around 3 to 4 hours instead of the advised 30 mins.

Now I am a very strong believer in positive thinking, in things happening for a reason and I have a very strong faith. I believe having arthritis at the age of 21 gave me an opertunity to reach people I wouldn’t have otherwise reached. to make someone who is having a rubbish day smile, to understand younger people with arthritis who cross my path and also to make me understand older people who have walked this path before me. I made peace with that a good few years ago. However there is something I need to be very clear about,

I HATE ARTHRITIS!!! I really hate it, I hate not being able to bounce on a trampoline, I hate not being able to run in a field with my dog, not being able to fly a kite, not being able to drive any car I feel like, not being able to take part in the mums race at sports day, I hate that it takes me a good hour in the mornings to get going, that I cant wear skinny jeans half the time not because iv put on weight but because my knees are twice the size of my thighs!!!! I hate that I am used to a needle being put into my bone and that instead of being afraid im relieved. I hate that im no longer afraid of needles and I hate that im on first name terms with the staff in my rheumatology unit (I love the staff here btw).

Don’t get me wrong I know there are many people far worse off, I know I have access to the most amazing health care service in the world. I know I have a God given consultant and the best nurses you could ever come across but the fact remains I would NOT choose this for my life.

The past month I have stepped into a few new roles, my life has finally after 29 years taken the path I have longed for and prayed for, all the broken pieces have slotted together and I love my life. However as soon as I stepped up my body started to rebel, the pain in the last two weeks reached unbearable, I ended up doing what I haven’t done in a year and I crawled into my bed and gave into the pain. My knees where swollen my hands couldn’t move, my hip clicked every time I moved yet when I stepped out of the house I refused to use my crutches, I painted a smile on and I told everyone I was fine. I asked for prayer for friends and actually several people with a similar conditions but I didn’t ask for prayer for myself.  I love to pray for my friends I believe in the power of it I praise them when they ask for it and I was too PROUD to ask for it for me. Do I think i’m better than anyone else? NO! I thought I was setting an example, showing how to push on through when actually I was helping no one, no one even had a clue what was going on.

On the morning I couldn’t fight the pain any more I felt so guilty for giving into it, and then I got a text from a friend, the event I was supposed to be at was talking about women who they admire, and she said that I was one of those women to her, i immediately felt more guilty and said id been lying in my bed all day, to which she replied- that’s what makes you strong, admitting when u cant do it all. How wise that woman is!! for the record I admire her an awful lot shes quite possibly the most awesome friend, wife and mummy on the planet.

The fact is its quite often our weakness that is our strength, I no longer plan to put up a mask, I will let the people i do life with see me pain and all. Its real, its life, its an opportunity.

I HATE ARTHRITIS, but I Love the person I have become because of it.

check out arthritis research UK for further info on arthritis and to read all the short inspiring stories uploaded for arthritis awareness week.

http://www.arthritisresearchuk.org/