Lonely Caterpillar
 

A whole new world…

The world is a funny place. I have never been one with a great desire to travel and I would say I am a home bird really. Every now and again Ben and I discuss moving to England, because he misses home and it always comes down to the fact that I don’t really like change and I am settled in the place that I know, (and we cant afford to live in London).

The irony of this is that fairly often, I find myself hating this country. Northern Ireland is such a funny place and it frustrates me when we when we fight amongst ourselves.

We have such a wealth of Irish History and Culture while being ultimately ruled by Britain and yet not quite belonging there either. We are a fiercely independent nation, a strong bunch of people that have faced some harsh times and yet battled through with sense of community and determination.

So many Concerts and comedy gigs I’ve been to have said that a Belfast crowd are the best to play to. I think its because for so many years nobody played gigs here, and, for my generation at least, we feel grateful to be able to enjoy what everyone else can without the minority ruining it for us all.

I have to say I missed the most of the ‘troubles’. I’m too young to have grown up in the middle of it all, my mum and dad’s age group probably got the worst of it. I do remember having to leave Belfast city centre quickly when there was a bomb scare when I was only about 4years old. I remember the barriers that used to be up in Belfast so you couldn’t drive a car into the centre and I remember the security checks at the front of every shop. I remember some of my parents friends loosing jobs because the place they worked had been involved in a bomb and I know the stories of how my granddads shop was blown up twice, friends in security forces where targeted and I know all too well how how check under your car before you drive anywhere. In more recent years a remember being brought to tears by extended family members over my decision to date someone from ‘the other side’. I distinctly remember being told to ‘date my own kind’, ironically these family members also didn’t like Ben who is English.

With this in mind I bring up my children in a country that looks very different. This week alone Megan took part in the Peace Proms in the SSE arena, and also went on a shared education trip to W5. Shared Education is were Megan’s school works with the school across the road in an effort to build cross community relations.

What I love about these projects is that Megan doesn’t actually know why they need to take part in shared education, they just think its a fun way to make new friends, do cool projects and go on exciting school trips. Peace Proms is just the nice name for the amazing concert they get to take part in. She has no idea that at one point not so long ago we couldn’t have envisaged schools from all over Ireland coming together, seeing each other as equals and not seeing any difference in each other at all. They have no idea that once there wasn’t peace. Of course eventually when they are old enough they will study Irish history, (this is a great thing and the point in my life where I feel I got a balanced opinion), and they will get the picture but I hope by then that they will have seen the world for what it truly is and will understand how far we have all come since then.

Of course we still have a long way to go. As we face a new election and direct rule looks like a very real possibility. The reality of the difficulties of the different communities working together become more apparent and the reality underlying fear of going backwards rears its head, we see how fragile this country still is. The reality is we still have several generations worth of people with hurts and beliefs and anger that will be very hard to let go of. Those feelings are so easily passed down the line. I know I am far from perfect I know I have ideas that I was brought up with that I have had to realise are complete rubbish and issues that I will still need to let go of and be sure not to be passed down to my kids. I was lucky enough to have a fairly mixed family so I was never hard line one way or the other, apart from the odd issue with more extended family as I mentioned before. I am not in any way judging anyone’s culture either, my mum remembers watching the bonfires when she was younger with all her friends catholic and protestant together it was just a fun evening without any political agenda, obviously that wont have been true of every location but in some it was a culture to share.

What I love most is that the schools have embraced shared education. I mean I know a lot of it is to do with funding, but our kids understand that all these fun things happen when they all work together. There is no question of not wanting to play with the kids from the other school.

Today on a day where we elect a new government and everyone is hoping for change, for moving forward, for a group of people who will get decisions made. What we need to remember that as much as these people make decisions, our children are the future of our country. How we raise them, how we teach them and how we show them to act is how our country will look in 30 years time.

My daughter knows that the orchestra made up of people from all over Ireland made the most beautiful music she has ever heard. – check out twitter.com/cboiofficial

peaceproms.com

She knows that when schools come together they have the most fun school trips she has ever had.

She has seen that our Disney friends come from all over Ireland, England and Europe and we all speak with different accents and sometimes different languages but what is true of all these things that, life is better when we do things together. When we include and accept, when we focus on what bonds us and not what divides us.

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I’ll be your clown.

A few weeks ago I wrote about how Megan was about to take part in her first school play. Of course it went amazingly and she was a wee superstar, in fact all the kids where outstanding really. It was lovely to see so many personailities be given the chance to shine in such different ways. I think what made it so special was that the teachers know them so well. Its not a big school and rehearsal time was limited but intense so they all got to know each other very well. This enabled the teacher to pull out the individual gifts and talents each child had. you could see them being pushed to the limits of their comfort zone and then just totally shining through because they knew people believed in them and so they reached their full potential.

Its a funny thing with people, don’t we just make such snap judgements on each other. You take a look at a person and instantly you’ve made some sort of assumption. We all do it, its instinct or nature, even when I try very hard not to do it I make that snap thought of, oh he looks scary, she’s confident, they’re so in love etc. The thing is society, culture etc builds up these ideas in our heads so really a lot of these things cant be helped. What can be helped is how we act on these assumptions.

As a reward for Megan’s hard work for her play, we went ice skating as a family. Megan loves ice skating, and because we’ve been a few times recently her confidence has grown and she’s able to skate more and more without needing any help from Ben or I and her Penguin has been long left behind. What actually ended up happening this time was that Eli asked for Megan to help him round instead of ben and I and suddenly we found ourselves at the edge of the ice made a bit redundant. Instantly I felt sad as I watched them skate off alone, and then I realised actually this was a huge step, it was Eli taking a big social step, in a busy ice rink he was stepping out of his comfort zone and Megan was stepping up as his sister, she was taking that role as an additional needs sibling and she was shining bright within that. She knows him so well she knows his fears, she knows his struggles and she knows because she is confident in herself how she can help him overcome them, she was helping him shine!!

I am not sure what people see when they look at our family. I’m not sure if we look like we have it all together. We certainly do not.

I’m not sure if they look at our autism journey and laugh, or mock.

Can you not just parent your child better? Can you not just set better boundaries? change diet? can you pray that away, Sure your struggle isn’t life threatening or physical so why are you complaining? I’m sure to some it looks funny, it looks like another bunch of people milking a system, sure why would you label your child if its not to get benefits, (to those people I say check out the price of sensory toys).

I would say that maybe I would have made those judgement before I walked this journey but I remember researching autism at the age of 16 and working with kids with add and autism when I did my work experience. Its been somewhere my heart has always been. But I can understand why some of you don’t get it. I understand that my life is something you don’t want to hear about. I get that when you see another autism awareness post you roll your eyes and scroll on.

The thing is, like the teachers in that play, they needed to understand those children so well, they needed to know their likes and dislikes they needed to know where their talents lie and yes where their weakness was in order to draw out the absolute best from them. We need to get to know people, we need to look beyond those backwards opinions we have stored up over the years.

They guy covered in tattoos? talk to him I bet he hasn’t ever killed anyone!!! The girl who must have taken hours putting on her make up, I bet she is as in need of a friend as you are. The kid who is rocking back and forth? He’s frightened or overwhelmed, but he is not to be feared, he is not to be ignored or avoided, ask his parent why he’s doing that, how does it help him? what can you do to be of practical help?

DO NOT go home and write a joke on your social media about it, do not put your uneducated comments out there for all to read.

One thing you need to know is that Additional needs parents are not Clowns, nor are our children. You might laugh but the jokes on you. These kids will very often grow up to be your surgeons, your dentists, your anaesthetist, the M15 agent protecting your whole country!!

While you feel the need to protest about labels, we are fighting battles to get the tiniest bit of support for our amazing kids who are so full of potential and are being shoved into boxes that your kids fit. Be thankful your child has an educational package that meets their need while ours struggle from the very basic essentials. So while its frustrating, we will not stop talking, we will not stop chipping at those wrong ideas of autism that have been built up over the years. this might make you feel uncomfortable but its not half as uncomfortable as living your life every single day in a world that doesn’t understand you and while that’s what my child has to face then I will not stop being his voice. ever.

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Finding a balance.

This week Ben and I where very blessed to get two nights away to Galgorm Resort and Spa.

This is by far Bens favourite type of holiday or break and all other chances of booking holidays in the year are a total no go unless there is space and budget for at least one trip to Galgorm.

We try to visit once or twice a year, always for Bens birthday around February and then around October for our anniversary.

After a stressful the few months, we were both so in need of some rest, relaxation and an unbroken nights sleep!!

We started off Wednesday with a trip to the Royal for Eli to get a check up with his surgeon, ( you wait ages for appointments and they ALWAYS end up being when you have other things on, never the quiet weeks). It went well, as expected Eli will need more surgery, unexpectedly they are going to check things out with a camera first before starting the corrective surgery. Assuming that everything hasn’t magically healed since November this will now mean 7/8 surgeries instead of 6/7 but I do still feel this is a good decision. So Elijah will face surgery again in around 4/5 weeks so I assume in real terms it’ll be 9/10 weeks but time will tell.

After we dropped Eli off with my mum, Ben and I headed to Middletown Coffee shop for some amazing stew and delicious Eton Mess éclair. I have to say this was an amazing start to our little break, the food was lovely the coffee perfect and the staff funny and friendly. It chilled us out after the hospital and put us in good spirits for our trip. We also stopped off at Flossy Treats, a fab little sweet shop (where Megan is having her birthday party), and stocked up on some lovely sweets to take away with us.

When we arrived we where greeted at the door by the wonderful concierce decked out in his most dapper suit and hat. He then passed us on to Maurice who took our bags and showed us where to check and and waited until we had finished so he could show us to our room and explain how everything worked and that we could head down to the spa straight away. We have stayed in various room types over the years and this time we where in one of the deluxe river view rooms which was lovely. Some of the perks of this room are a free mini bar and a free late check out of 12pm, (which made the morning very relaxed).

Both Ben and I where exhausted, Eli hasn’t been sleeping great and with Bens medication being changed around his sleep pattern is all over the place and combined with my arthritis in flare up there hasn’t been much sleep going on in the Clarke house the past few months. So we both decided to chill in the room till we went to dinner at 6pm. I took the opportunity to start a new book, (by Lucy Diamond) and Ben had a sleep.

We decided to have both meals in Gillies as its our favourite, place to eat but we also had the option of the river room, (fine dining) or Fratellis (Italian). Both Ben and I opted for salt and chilli chicken to start and steak as a main, I had mine medium rare and it was cooked to perfection. Apart from being sat by the fire place and melting a wee bit by the end of the meal, it was pretty much perfect and pudding was amazing, sticky toffee pudding.

After dinner we headed down to the spa which is open until 9pm and we always find it to be nice and quiet in the evenings. It was a lovely relaxing evening, and we where very keen to get into the steam rooms having walked in from the pool outside!

Breakfast in Galgorm is one of the reasons we keep going back, you just cant beat it. as we where staying in a deluxe room we had the option of going to the river room for breakfast but on both mornings we opted for Gillies, Here you have choice of fruit, yogurt, pastries, cheese, porridge, crepes, waffles, cereal and full cooked breakfast. It is always lovely quality and the staff are very helpful and friendly and we had the added bonus of being able to watch the horses and their little goat friend getting their breakfast in the stables outside. Its a very relaxing atmosphere an we always feel full to the brim.

We spent most of the morning and early afternoon in the spa again and enjoyed some light snacks in the oranagey as well as a delicious cocktail, sure we where on holiday after all!! Our second night we again enjoyed dinner in gillies again both having steak, however this time I had soup to start and it was delicious and full of flavour and I couldn’t resist my favourite, sticky toffee pudding again for desert.

We again made use of the spa in the evening and again in the morning without having to rush due to our later check out.

Honestly there is just no place I have found that is more relaxing, friendly and accommodating. I find it very rare to get a hotel that ticks all the boxes but this one truly does. I guess the only down side is that it totally has us spoilt for ever staying anywhere else. I know that this will always be our go to place.

It can be difficult to leave the kids or up sticks and forget the real world for a few days but I think that in life it really helps to step back. I know that I have been letting the little things in life build into big things and this break just helped to defuse that. It helped Ben and I to laugh again and its recharged us for a year full of surgery and treatments but now we are ready to tackle it all head on.

http://www.galgorm.com

www.facebook.com/flossytreatsgalgorm/

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Dreaming big & being a princess.

In August 2016 we were blessed to be able to take the kids to see Aladdin in the west end.

As I have blogged about it before you will know that we totally fell in love with this production. From the lights to the staging to the truly wonderful singing, dancing and acting it was just magical from start to finish. After the show we went to the stage door to meet the cast, all of which where wonderfully kind to both the kids. When Megan met Trevor Dion Nicholas she immediately told him that she was going to play Genie when she grows up. Without a moment of hesitation he told her she defiantly should and she’d be great. That man is a natural encourager and is beyond kind. You can probably see from my picture that Megan and Trevor maybe wouldn’t meet the same casting requirements, he’s a man and she’s a girl but she saw no reason why she couldn’t do it and he made sure she believed she could.

Now those few words boosted my little girls confidence so much that she decided just before Christmas to audition for the school musical ‘a lad in trouble’ , she instantly told the teacher she wanted to play genie. The teachers explained that the main roles usually go to the older children but Megan was persistent and she got the chance to audition, having to read a script and sing a solo.

Now what you need to understand before I go any further is that since Megan started school she has been painfully shy, her first harvest service she cried the whole way through, she couldn’t even have a line in the Christmas play she was so nervous. That anxiety crept out of school and into every day life, it become so hard to hear Megan, and she even had to change reading group in school because the teacher simply couldn’t hear what she was capable of. Then two years ago we sent her to drama classes. Classes that are about building your confidence and everyone getting a chance at a main role. Her confidence has come on leaps and bounds, she started writing stories and reading them in class. And then those words from someone she so looked up to just gave her the confidence to step out of her comfort zone and reach for that dream.

So this week Megan acts in three performances of ‘A lad in trouble’ , she did not get the role of Genie, she is playing ‘Matt Paint’ and that did not phase her even one bit because this gives her a chance to practice for her next chance. She has thrown her all into these rehearsals, even loosing her voice at one point. I am so proud of her giving it her all and most of all I’m so proud of her from trying!

I don’t know what Megan will be when she grows up,she might stick with acting and cost me a fortune or she could decide next week that acting isn’t her dream and she wants to be a dentist. But I love that she truly belives she be or do anything.

My generation have been really blessed to grow up in a time where Women’s rights have just jumped forward leaps and bounds. Human rights in general have come a very long way and although not everyone is treated equally everywhere in the world, really things were moving forward in a really wonderful direction. I remember a year ago taking Megan with me to vote and telling her how we must always use our right to vote as women fought hard for us to be able to do so. Megan couldn’t even comprehend why a woman wouldn’t be able to do everything a man could.  I love that she had no perception of not ever being treated as an equal.

This week my 7 year old son has been so stressed out about Donald trump, my kids read the week junior magazine. I love that they are interested in the news and politics I think its healthy and its good to be educated but neither of them can get their heads around how this man is in the position he is in. Elijah finds it horrific that someone would build a wall to keep people who are different from themselves away, he is genuinely confused why the colour of your skin or what you believe in would cause any barrier to a friendship. My kids don’t get this because we, as society where finally starting to get stuff right. Our education was truly teaching kids that we are all the same!!

And then some people go and set us back by 50/100 years. Now I wonder will my child be able to do everything? Will she be treated the same as her brother?

You might say that these issues don’t effect us, in the UK but these issues aren’t political, there is a selfish society immerging. a culture that worships celebrity on all levels Its teaching put yourself first and don’t reach out for those in need. Do anything you need to, to get what you want. It is sad, it is scary and its destroying everything that so many people fought so hard to change.

So when I tell my little girl to ‘dream big princess’ what I pray is that she dreams big as a WARRIOR PRINCESS. That I don’t want her to have to fight for what is hers but that I believe she has it within her. I want her to dream big for herself but to catch other peoples dreams and help them with theirs. To never trod on someone else’s dream, big or small in order to achiever her own and to most of all to believe that every dream is worth reaching for.

This world can feel like a place of nightmares but when we all believe together our dreams can still come true.

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Barbed wire

I remember around in late 90’s/00’s that barbed wire bracelet tattoos where really popular and I remember having a plastic/rubber neon barbed wire bracelet at one point and thinking it was super cool. An awesome mix of cool and tough – actually what it was, was pretty naff, but we must go through these daft fashion phases.

The funny thing is, as much as I went along with that little trend, barbed wire has always scared me a bit (too many episodes of casualty). There is something about the way its harmless from a distance but the moment you get too close you become tangled and trapped and not only that you get hurt, you skin ripped and torn. The thought of having to pull free from that wire terrified me, even thinking about it now makes me cringe. Its a good job I was never an overly rebellious teen and didn’t ever feel the need to climb any walls etc and have never felt any need to be in close proximity to barbed wire.

Just like this wire, there are situations in life that I can become tangled in. Sometimes the situation can seem safe going close seems like a good idea, sure I can protect myself. Then before I know it, its my own ‘knowledge’ or vulnerability or willingness or weakness or pride that pulls me a little bit too close and before I know it, my jumper is caught and I’m hooked.

The more I move the more tangled I become, if I stay still I might avoid injury but I’ll also be stuck.

If I move further in, the wire will cut deeper. If I pull away that’s gonna hurt the most but its really the only positive solution.

There will be scars, they’ll show from time to time, but they’ll serve as a reminder to be more careful next time, they’ll also show where I’ve been, what I’ve faced and how I survived it.

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True Colours…

YOU WITH THE SAD EYES’

You don’t need to be afraid, your not doing this on your own. Don’t let those thoughts run away with you. You’re so many steps ahead of where we actually are. It is going to be ok. In the darkness its hard to even imagine the light but it is still there, its just a little bit hidden.

‘Don’t be discouraged, Oh I realize, Its hard to take courage, In a world full of people, You can lose sight of it all, And the darkness inside you, Can make you feel so small’

You are not what anyone else has labelled you, you are not what they think you are and they can not define you by how they make you feel. You are precious, you are chosen, you are mine.

I love you for who I see you to be.

I see who you can be, who you will be, who you are.

The sadness tries to hide it. It masks you with a lie. Like a dress up costume hiding the person beneath. this is NOT you, it is not who you will be. We cant change what’s been but we can move forward, better and stronger.

‘Show me a smile then, Don’t be unhappy, can’t remember, When I last saw you laughing’

Your laughter lights up my world, your fun and joy, like I’ve never seen within anyone else to the same level.

You have A joy and compassion that has the ability to reach into my very soul. The person who cares so deeply. The person who cant physically pass the homeless person on the street, who hurts at children being abandoned and neglected, who wont let someone have to sit alone. The person who sees the pain in someone’s eyes, who can see that fear and hurt, because you’ve felt it too. The person who can reach someone in a way nobody else can and pull them back from the brink because you know what its like to be there, staring into it and you don’t want that for anyone else. who can share a caring word that can touch a heart.

‘If this world makes you crazy, And you’ve taken all you can bear, You call me up, Because you know I’ll be there’

I am here for you in this, all of my strength is yours to take, lean on me completely. You’ve carried me so many times, mentally and literally, physically. This is what I’m here for. This is how we get through this, we do it together.

This right here is why two are better than one. This is the bit where I carry you and we finish strong together. I know u cant see it now, but you got this, WE got this. Lean into me, come close, don’t pull away. We Will do this. It WILL get better. ‘we where simply meant to be’. You’ve got the key to unlock my heart and my heart is what makes your key work, the whole purpose of that key is to work the lock, without each other their pretty useless but together we work perfectly.

But I see your true colours
Shining through
I see your true colours
And that’s why I love you
So don’t be afraid to let them show
Your true colours
True colours are beautiful
Like a rainbow

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The me i choose to be.

If there is one thing I am awesome at, it is sticking my head in the sand. I can happily eat cake and worry about the calories/sugar etc at a later date. I can spend my money on Starbucks and Lindy bop and worry about the bills later. Most importantly, I can book Disney and decorate the house next year!!

My decisions have always been a little bit care free, life’s too short to be too sensible too much of the time.

And yet in this season I’ve found myself with what feels like the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I am a mum to a super clever, big dreamer, hard working, musical, dramatic, princess. I find myself having to get a balance between pushing her to achieve her full potential, and not pressuring her so that she becomes stressed. I need her to know we love her for who she is while letting her know I believe she can do anything she wants to. I need a balance between keeping her safe in this scary world and giving her freedom to develop independence and build friendships. I want her to fit in while not being afraid to stand out and shine. I want her to understand the world but I want to shelter her and keep her childlike for as long as possible.

I am an additional needs mum. To an incredibly clever, funny, strong, determined little warrior. I need to protect and shelter him, while also teaching him how to cope in a world that wont always understand him. I need him to be proud of who he is and to stand proudly in that, but also I want him to fit in a group and not be isolated. I want to push him to achieve his potential while not wanting him to grow up too fast. I need to keep him safe and healthy while giving him the freedom to run free as most little boys love to.

I am disabled, I need to not give into this. When the pain is unrelenting I need to have the wisdom to rest while also not allowing it to take my freedom and independence. I need to be strong but I need to learn that does not mean I need to be silent. I need to swallow my pride and ask for help but I need to show those coming behind me that a good, full life with this condition is fully possible.

I am a student. I need to get a balance of studying and having time for my family. I need to balance spending money on my study vs spending it on my kids. I need to look at long term goal vs practicalities now. I need to look at why I wanted to do this in the first place and remember the need that broke my heart in the first place.

I am a volunteer. I need to find the balance of wanting to help and wanting to fix the world. To be there when I’m needed but not carry it with me all the time. I need to remember why I’m there, to share my story to help others understand why I care. To help those who are lost or hurting without loosing myself.

I am a wife. I need to keep him here.

Mostly I am me, I need to remember that even when my hands are full with all that I need to be to others that I matter. That I am still here, my fight matters. I can only do so much.

I am nothing on my own. I am stronger in a team, I am braver with a friend, I am more understanding in a group. I am more than a mum, a wife, a volunteer, a student. I am a person who hurts and cries and laughs and twirls and my decisions need to include me. And that all those things I am make me stronger, those kids give me strength every day, a laugh from Ben carries me through a week. An appreciated Visit gives me value and worth and a good make in an essay reassures me that I am not giving in to anything, that if my body fails me my mind is stronger and more determined than ever.

Your decisions need to include you, its not selfish to think of yourself sometimes. If your overwhelming thought in the day is ‘what about me?’ then do something for you. Its a sure sign you need to set aside some time for coffee, a spa day, a walk, a run, a cake (yup the whole cake). Those instincts are your mind telling you to take care of you.

Sometimes you might not feel it, but You matter, your influence in this world might feel small but its vital. Don’t stop being you!

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All I want for Christmas.

Is My Family:

I want to celebrate the end of  a year with the people I love. I want to gather round and eat too much food, I want to have too much sugar and I want to spend two days feeling far too full up. I want to watch my kids pull the paper off their presnts and I want to watch Ben gather it all up.

I want our version of a normal Christmas and I want to remember just how precious that normal is. I am so thankful to just have this Christmas together (don’t get me wrong I love gifts, this isn’t a don’t do gifts type post). But what I know so much this year is that there have been moments, days and weeks where I have doubted that we would make it here as a four.

I have watched Ben battle depression and when I say battle I mean that in the truest sense of the word. He has quite literally fought to still be here, daily making a decision not to give into the condition that often consumes him, sometimes consumes us all. So where people might understand an all out Christmas for a family who has battled a physical illness. I know that many wont understand our little victory celebration. We have a very long road ahead but the new year shows signs of finally getting some support in this battle and as always we are stronger for fighting it together. So for these two days we will hope that the darkness stays away and that we can celebrate just being us. Being together, loving one another and winding each other up!!

Is My Friend:

This same battle was one that was too much for some this year. Far too often this year I’ve read local headlines of people who have lost their fight. Where the pain and the darkness was just too much, they where and are loved and precious and people so wanted to help, but in the midst of the fog these people couldn’t see that. These headlines came close to my own door when I lost my friend this year and I will miss that friend for the rest of my life because as it is so often the case, those who are hurting the most share the most love with others and that was very true in this case. What I would give to discuss Elves and Christmas cups with you this year.

Is Health:

This year has not gone to plan I have battled my lungs and chest infections for the whole year and I am still battling now. I hope and pray that 2017 will get me back on my infusions and out of pain. I know that surgery for my shoulder is in front of me and hopefully that will also be in 2017. I am however grateful that I am not in hospital that I am still managing and that I still have a good frame of mind to refuse to give into it.

Is Disney:

I have always been a Disnerd and I have always been proud of this fact. This year I had three Disney trips and they where the most magical trips ever. Disney this year became more than a film or a theme park, it was about the people, my ‘Tribe’ if you will.

I finally found the place where I just fit, where I’m not judged or weird or random or rather I am but all those things are seen as good things. Never have I met people who more suit the phrase ‘have courage and be kind’ and lets face it how many people have friends who become fairies, or princesses or fish etc on a regular basis? This bunch of crazy, wonderful inspiring people have carried me though this year, they have given me a sense of belonging that I have never known before and when times got tough they where right there keeping the magic alive. I can not wait to spend lots of time next year with these wonderful people.

Is presents:

Look, I never said I was an all round good person, I’ve already got my Cath Kidston bag but id love some chocolate and perfume too, please and thank you (Ben you would need to have already done your shopping).

Is to say Thank You:

Thank you for following my journey this year, thanks for listening to my rambling and helping me through the tough times and celebrating the good. You have all helped make this caterpillar not so lonely xx

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Chipped nails and heart felt tears.

This picture shows my teal shiny nails. I got them done for going to London over three weeks ago and I loved them. Clearly I still love them as I haven’t taken the nail polish off yet, but clearly they look nothing like they did when they where first painted.

The paint on my middle finger chipped off when I accidently broke my nails two weeks after getting them painted. I looked at it and decided I would take the rest off that evening but then when the evening came I decided that actually there was still lots of pretty colour left and I didn’t really want to take the rest off. The paint was still doing what it was designed to do and even with one bare nail my hand still looked nicer with some colour than none at all, (a matter of opinion I know).

You see sometimes in life we get a bit chipped and broken, through no fault of our own. Sometimes we simply doing have the natural ability to hold everything together unaided. Sometimes Its a massive battle to keep going while holes keep appearing and we run out of plaster to cover the gaps and everything becomes one massive juggling act. But the person with the gaps, is no less a person than the one who is held together and when a chipped nail is repainted it looks no different than the nail that never broke at all. Sometimes repaired things even look better because they are more authentic, more real, and within them lies the solution on how to fix the next chipped nail.

Reality is colour or no colour, broken or in tact, my nail was still my nail, no finger could do its role of typing, lifting or even tickling any better or any worse because of its paint or lack of it. Similarly no nail was less of a nail when I took all the paint off and really I get very used to unpainted nails very quickly again and usually really like my regular nails too. Painted nails wouldn’t be pretty if I was born with teal or Minnie mouse nails, (though that would be really really awesome), the novelty wouldn’t be there, I wouldn’t appreciate the beauty if I saw it all the time. Sometimes in life we have to go through storms to appreciate the calm.

I have cried many heartbroken tears over the past month, proper gut wrenching, why me tears. I hate being in a storm. I hate when I’m chipped or when someone I love is chipped and I cant fix things for them. Sometimes the fixing process is really long and difficult, it hurts. Like fixing a bone or a tooth it takes a bit of pain to get the result needed.

One little tiny point worth making though, everyone’s journey is different, no two chips are the same.

Don’t try and advise on an issue you don’t understand and certainly don’t act like you know it all when you’ve never walked it. Its so easy to stand up there all shatterproof and shiny but its the broken ones who are doing all the fixing.

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Magic everywhere.

This weekend I got to spend time in my favourite place, Disneyland Paris.

This trip was a little different from my previous trips in that, I didn’t have the kids or Ben with me and instead I travelled with my friend and we spent our time together and with even more Disney friends.

About a year ago I joined a Disney Facebook group on the recommendation of a friend. Really at the beginning I joined as there where lots of extra hints and tips about doing Disney and I figured its always good to know more and try things that I had previously missed. What I hadn’t expected from this group was to meet the most amazing group of people I have ever known.

The thing is, with Facebook groups, you are generally chatting to people with a common interest but once you get beyond that common interest there often isn’t much in common and therefore friendships are hindered. Disney people are different. You may look at me and think I’m totally crazy because of my love of Disney. That’s ok, I don’t mind. You see I think th difference is that Disney is a way of life. So many Disney fans grew up watching all the movies, movies that teach morals and kindness, that greated a generation who dream Big, who believe they can fly. who know when we work together anything is possible.

The people I spent my weekend come from all different back grounds, different countries and different cultures and yet we where all bonded by the love of a magical place that takes all our cares away.

I am not remotely sporty and this weekend I spent my time watching the most beautiful event where people helped each other, both physically and emotionally complete challenges that a year ago, on their own, simply wouldn’t have been possible. I listened how the experience of runners visiting alone were so different to the runners we were supporting and literally the only difference was the comradery and support that our group experienced.

When you surround yourself with good, encouraging people its so true that anything is possible.

This weekend included even more than cheering though as this was the first time I really properly tried out Disney Bounding. This is where you don’t dress in costume, (costumes for adults are not allowed) so you dress in clothes that are basically the colours of the characters costume, accessories are also a big part of bounding.

I had Bounded once before in Disney as Mr Smee, its a very easy bound but I had loved it and without all the kids costumes to pack this time, it was a good chance to try out a few more. it was also great fun to be able to Bound together in a sleeping beauty theme with my Disney friends.

The first day I didn’t actually bound but wore a dress with a scene from Peter Pan on it which matched my tattoo on my leg and my necklace I received from another Disney friend. When e met Peter Pan, he and Wendy both made a big fuss of it all. Captain Hook was unimpressed he couldn’t see himself on my tattoo but was happy when I pointed out his ship and Mr Smee was happy once I told him we recently named our puppy Smee.

https://www.facebook.com/crookedmiletattoo

My friend Bounded this day as Snow white and she had an apple bag which got lots of interaction from the characters and actually that interaction about the apple carried on the whole holiday which was great fun.  On Monday we also bounded as Mickey and Minnie which was so much fun and was extra special when we met Mickey and Minnie together in magic hours.

Characters really appreciate when you make an effort and with children and adults I always think it gives you a totally different holiday experience when you forgot what others might think and just really enjoy the spirit of Disney.

On Sunday we had the most fun ever bounding as the characters from Sleeping Beauty. We had the three Fairies, maleficent, prince Philip and aurora, along with two mini prince Philips and a mini aurora. We got so much wonderful interaction from characters and cast members and honestly it was so much fun to be matching my friends all day and I have to admit I totally loved having a wand wo wave around. These costumes where a real team effort with the wand being made by Dee (the blue fairy), ears by Stacy (Maleficent)  and bows by the lovely Leann (aurora).  These costumes literally led to me having the best day ever! The interaction at the parade was the best character experience ever, with characters stopping for selfies – which very rarely happens, and friends cheering along with us. Honestly its an experience I will treasure forever and I cant thank my friends enough for making that happen.

The wonderfully talented Stacy has started selling her beautiful ears on Facebook and honestly these ears are so well made, reasonably priced and stacy is very lovely and accommodating don’t be afraid to drop her a wee msg if you have an idea. The cast members and characters loved all of stacys creations through the week.

https://www.facebook.com/CandyCottageCustomEars

my wonderful friend Leann also sells her beautiful bows on facebook and I honestly think there is no ribbon she cant source, Megan has so many of these amazing bows ans as well as being great quality and beautiful they make the daily chore of getting ready for school much more fun by being able to choose which pretty bow to wear. For my fairy outfit I even turned my bow into a bracelet and really loved wearing it on my arm. I have also taken to wearing the bigger bows myself and I love the Disney magic they add to an outfit. Go have a wee look at her page and order some pretty bows – they’d also make an awesome stocking filler.

https://www.facebook.com/Tinkerbellsbows

Now as wonderful as this trip was, before you all run off to join Disney groups. in November 2015 I was going on my 5th Disney trip in 9 years, by November 2016 I will have been on my 9th trip in ten years. In 1year I have almost doubled my visits and that is in no small part down to these amazing people, I have no doubt I will make sure I get to more meet ups in the next few years and I cant wait, my bank def doesn’t love Disney as much as I do.

Disney folk also aren’t free of the odd Codfish, where people have a love of something there will always be the odd one or two that want to manipulate and exploit that, but be sure in true Disney style the good always overcomes the bad.

My past few weeks have been tough, i lost a dear friend, a Disney friend, my heart hurt so badly ithought id never be able to laugh again, I even considered just closing off from all friendships. I then spent 4 days with the best bunch ever, who made me proper belly laugh and even cry happy tears. my heart still hurts but it helped me to remember happily.

Disney friends are the best type of people you will ever meet, but be warned once your one of them you’ll never want to be away from them.

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