Lonely Caterpillar
 

It is fear that cannot be trusted.

Anyone who knows me, knows I am Disney obsessed. Its no real surprise that as soon as I saw Frozen 2 I became a bit obsessed. The idea of stepping out of your comfort zone into the unknown with the potential of an adventure or maybe simply finding yourself, was one that really caught me. There is one line in the film that has been spinning in my mind since I heard it. ‘It is fear that can not be trusted’.

We all know what fear is, we’ve all experienced it in different ways. It can stop us from taking big leaps and from finding our full potential. What I hadn’t considered was how much it effects our every day life. In a world were we as society are choosing to pull away from one another, how much of that is down to hidden fears? How often are we just afraid of the unknown or differences but we’re not realising its our own fears and insecurities creating an impact?

I started 2020 gripped by fear. The second day in I had an appointment for my infusion which couldn’t go ahead as my blood count was too low. This really isn’t a big deal it does happen with the medication I am on and especially at this time of year when there are a lot of bugs and infections around. Instantly my mind spiralled. My bloods hadn’t dropped since I was very ill almost 4 years ago. Straight away I panicked that this was the direction I was headed and I wouldn’t be able to fight it off. Its easy to forget the reality of living with an aggressive autoimmune disease when things are controlled. Moments like this however remind me that I am living on a knife edge. Immediately the fear I felt created a spiralling effect. I cut myself off, I put up defences and I pushed people I loved back. This was resolved within a week, so the consequences where not long lasting. My family and close friends understood and I was able to move forward.

This opened my eyes a little. It made me consider how often fear has stolen from me. How often have I just closed off before I have given anyone a chance to understand. How often have I blamed a difference of opinion, different beliefs or lifestyle to rob a friendship or experience when it has been my own fear? Fear telling me that people, experiences, choices, cant be trusted? When the thing that can not be trusted, is fear.

How often have I not taken the time to understand when people pull away from me, that it might be their fear motivating that? When someone cancels plans, is it fear thats controlling that rather than something personal? By taking offence we allow fear to win. Should we take time to look deeper, to understand what others are going through? To learn and grow with them rather than allowing the fear to break things down?

When I am parenting my kids, I watch them navigate fear on so many levels. We always teach our kids to push through so that they don’t miss out on life. When do we stop doing that for ourselves? Sometimes I think becoming a parent is when fear grips us the most. There is nothing more scary than being a parent. Being responsible for the safety and wellbeing of a whole little person. Sometimes that fear does take hold and needs some help to overcome. But being a parent is one of the most wonderful experiences there ever could be, and if we let that fear control us we would miss out on so many more wonderful experiences and this is why we push through. I need to transfer this to other areas of my life.

My marriage for the past three years has been plagued with fear. My husband has a very real battle with mental health. I live in the fear that he wont be able to keep up that battle. My fear of that can then leads to tension and pressure. The need to try and make it better belittles the journey he has to navigate. The fear of the worst case scenario can steel the reality of the situation and can even steal the joy of the good times.

In a society where we are facing a world of change, we must not let fear divide us. Fear of the unknown, in a season broken unions and change we must not forget that the things that make us different are often things that make us stronger together. Some are afraid for their businesses and changes in life style. Those who want change are not against those who don’t, its simply a different set of fears and priorities that are equally as valid. We all need to remember that often people are afraid and instead of pulling one another down, we need to look at each others fear with compassion and understanding

My life isn’t the same as yours, but our lives aren’t in competition. There are things people will do better than me, that doesn’t mean that I am less valuable in this world. I need to learn that a fear of being left behind. Of being different or feeling less can not be the thing that motivates me. I need to celebrate being myself, exactly as I am. I need to look for the fear in others rather the hurt in myself. I need to overcome the need to be in control and understand that sometimes I will be afraid but that fear does not control me.